Downstream

The past week or two I have been spending an awful lot of time researching things like "Alcatraz night tours," "Napa wine tasting package," and "hop on hop off bus tours." May I remind you that I've lived in San Francisco for almost two years now and have never done any of the above? So why the sudden touristy urge now?

It's really quite simple: I've a visitor arriving in less than a week and I want this city to woo her just the same as it did me, but there's a catch. She's got one week to fall in love with it; I've had years.

The importance of understanding what the Bay area can and will do for a person cannot be underscored enough. I came here feeling so apart from the world, overwhelmed by its size due to the incredible bubble that is Vermont. So many things seemed unimaginable to me, and now my naivety is laughable -but never embarrassing. The silly things that I was in awe of are now at my fingertips, and are fully grasped in many of my friends' hands. My friends who are published, who are on television shows (albeit pretty bad ones...), who work with well-known musicians on a routine basis and are nominated for Oscars, who are interviewed by the likes of Dan Savage and NPR.... it still blows my mind, but it is all part of the tapestry of life here. Even writing it sounds trite and leaves me wondering if I'm coming across a braggart, but that's not the point: I want her to feel it too. The connection, the electricity.

I have this recurring dream -or a theme of one, rather. The red barn behind my parents' house, now long since torn down that sat just before the brook and bridge that leads to the rest of the property, is the host of it. Often the brook is raging and I am either paddling or saving others from its torrent, but lately the inflection of the water's tone is different... it still pulls with a type of yearning that overwhelms me, but no longer do I feel the need to escape it -nor save anything or anyone from it.

Being swept downstream and being okay with it is the most liberating thing I have ever felt.

Growth

My leaves are unfurling. Slowly they are stretching toward the sun with a convivial yawn, and things are starting to feel right.

Roots, while not yet sinking deep, are starting to explore their new territory with minimal hesitation and are finding it fertile and nourishing. My stem is sturdy.

I live in San Francisco.

Want me to back up a moment? The last y'all heard, I was anxious and restless, in a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere, in a job rut that left me drained and bored, and not at all satisfied with where my life was going. My, my how things can change.

The quick and dirty is that I got a job in SF, they paid for my relocation, I left my relationship, and took off with my dog on a four-day trek across the states. I was terrified. Sometimes I still am -it's hard being away from my familiar mountains, the green of the fields, the crunch of the fallen oak and maple leaves underfoot... from my family... from my friends. And as much as I hate to admit it, even from Brandy at times. But there are new realizations as I grow.

I now realize that it's not her that I miss, it's the closeness, the intimacy, the being part of a whole. That feeling is something that I learned to crave in my two years with her, since I rarely felt like I had it. And this, my unfurling leaves tell me, is not right. This is not how you feel when you are loved and love in return. Reciprocity is not just for backrubs and buying drinks, it is for moral support, making soup when sick, cheering up when down, loving when loved.

And I'll be damned if I'm ever going to feel like that in a relationship again.

Being slightly single (yeah, we'll talk about that a little later) has allowed me to focus on myself and holyeffingshit is that a nightmare. Well, in the beginning. Really scrutinizing yourself is rarely a good time, and it really isn't when you're drinking and whoring and floating and smoking and not giving a shit in general. It's hard to find yourself as valuable when you'd been basing your self-worth on the shaky judgments of someone who can't even assign any to herself... So it's been important for me to learn how to do things for me. To please me, and not necessarily anyone else.

There is a person who is the catalyst for all of this. She makes me want better things for myself, she makes me feel good, she supports me even when I do stupid shit, does not judge my present nor my past, and she is my best friend. She is the reason that I am "slightly single," meaning that we're not all going steady or wearing each other's pin or any of that, but she has my heart. Both of us have some things to sort out before we can take that step, and for once in my life I am secure in the knowledge that she will be there for me, and I for her, when we're ready.

Like I said, she's my best friend, and is the source of all of this photosynthesis.

Navigating

A compass rose: this is something that I am lacking internally. A bit of navigation is needed, I've been feeling like I'm repeating the last five years like some horrific Groundhog Day-ish montage.

Okay, well, it may not be that bad -it's not like I've got the note written and have been saving up my pills for weeks -not at all, and shame on you for even thinking about calling my psychiatrist! I am generally happy and healthy and out and about, but I just feel like things are, well, lacking.

I'm not even *content* anymore -restless, annoyed, bored, itching for an adventure? That's more like it. Not mopey and depressed as my initial paragraph may suggest. Going to the same job, even though I like it well enough, and doing the same things every weekend do not an adventure make. Same friends, same parties, same drive, same lame taupe and beige existance.

So now that you've heard my whine, wanna hear what I plan to do about it?

Well, Bran's been going crazy as well. She hasn't found a job but luckily has some money. I suggested that she go on a road trip -yes, this is what I would rather be doing. No, I cannot go, I have my big-girl job and can't get the time off. But when it comes down to it, her journey will make things better for us no matter what happens. With both of us feeling stuck, there's not been much growth in our relationship and frankly we're annoying each other. If she goes and has her adventure than I can focus on what it is that I need to do to make me happy instead of worrying about her.

And I've been putting in applications like crazy to VAs all over: Seattle, Portland, San Fran, Chicago, etc. Why not? I don't have much money to move with, but what the hell, I'll figure it out. As much as I love Vermont and New Hampshire, it is not loving me right now.

As long as I have my dog, my car, a job, and a place to live, I'm good.

And if Bran happens to fit into the picture, all the better. But it's time for us to figure out what we want -not from each other, but from ourselves.

A Quitter Just May Win...

Those are my "Happy New Year!"
fireworks, in case you're not quite
sure about what's going on over there.

In some sort of bizzare twist of thought, I'm feeling reflective in regards to the next year -like I've already lived it. Perhaps I can take this to mean that I've a leg up on everyone else? That my psychic abilities have been honed to the point where I will be able to flawlessly identify a terrible idea and make much better decisions for myself.

On that note, I quit drinking on Christmas. Well, that was the last day. I had been talking about slowing down/stopping after the holidays -"As your New Year's Resolution?" you may ask, but that just sounds too tacky for me (but, really, yes... that's what it comes down to).

I woke up on the 26th and, while not my worse hangover ever, I was not pleased with myself. I decided then that there is absolutely no reason to dely the inevitable, unless I was trying to fool myself all along. I rolled over and told Brandy that I was done drinking. She carressed my jawline and gave me a kiss. "Me, too, love. I think that's a wonderful idea."

So, the Missus and I will be spending New Year's with her nephew, watching movies and having a pizza party.

I know that it's a bit premature to post on the success rate of this plan, but I gotta say that I am feeling much better already. My wallet is not crying out in pain, my liver has decided that maybe it doesn't need to burst from my body and call protective services after all, and I've been eating *much* better -tofu/veggie stir-fry with bean thread noodles last night, made a big pot of 15-bean soup on Sunday... when it probably would have been something quick like pizza or pubfare from whatever bar we were at.

Plus, the amount of money that I'm going to save will get me to Europe much sooner than if I was still being a lush.

Plus -it really is time to grow up.

Huh.

Took me three times to get this post started today.

In fact, I think that it will take me three tries for every sentence... WTF. Where are my words?

What am I doing?

Wow, holy shit confused.

After spending the weekend with A, I was in a state of bliss. We were texting and talking and making plans to see each other the following Saturday -and I couldn't have been more stoked about it. I kept thinking about the way that I would catch her looking at me out of the corner of her eye, the blush that would creep from her neck to her cheeks, the giggle that would invariably result upon my discovery that I was being watched. I effing loved every minute of it.

I thought about how when we were in the grocery store picking up supplies she would saunter over to me and throw her arms around my neck and kiss me right there. Stopping at red lights. The toll booth guy who busted us with a gleeful, "And what are YOU two doing?" The honking and thumbs up from the car who passed us on the left. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

And it wasn't just the chemistry -I felt free around her. No pressure to act a certain way or to have to please anyone but myself; I could tell that she was pleased when I was. There was no awkward silences because there was nothing but feeling natural with her. The age thing that I was worried about (I'm seven years older) was never even a "thing." Being the "big kid" that C described me as, I basically felt on the same level -except for the whole she-can't-go-to-the-bar thing.

So why did I tell her on Friday that we couldn't do this anymore? That I still have feelings for B and have to explore them?

Because, as shitty as it is to end the romance with A, it's true. I am still in love with B, even the grouchy part of her, the no-PDA part, the drinks-far-too-much part... all of that is tied in with the fierce loyalty that she has for me, the incredible shock that I feel when she touches me, and with how her guard slips away when it is just the two of us and I am the only one who truly knows her.

B came over to my place unexpectedly on Thanksgiving night. We threw the usual generic jabs at each other, but for some reason it was different. Part of me just wanted her to leave -and she almost did -but the other part wanted her to never go. We talked about A. We talked about the girl that she had been seeing, and the one she almost brought home from the bar. We talked about making spectacles of ourselves in front of our friends. But then we talked about how it used to be, the happy days, the moments before all of the bullshit happened.

And I was overwhelmed all over again. She is the only person that I have ever loved, ever given my whole self to, who has ever had the ability to break my heart. That night I knew that I needed to try with her again, that there is still so much there that is good and so much that can be worked through.

But will I be able to work through the fact that I think about another woman all of the time?

The Meeting

Bet you want to know how it went... well, maybe I'm more interested in talking about how it went than any of my dear readers are in hearing about it, but, hey, I'm not picky.

So I leave work on Friday with the car all packed from the morning and ready to go. My cruise only takes about an hour and a half, so sweet -I have a feeling that I may be doing this often.

I arrive at the girls' house and they're all there! Hugs and salutations commence and we settle in to chat about the wedding. Turns out that my alcohol-laced memories of Ptown were slightly skewed -I find out that I'm marrying *two* lesbian couples, not one couple. The two that I thought were married are actually the ones that brought the whole thing up. Ah, gotta love it.

So, I admit to being slightly nervous about meeting A, to which I get a look from C -"You have nothing to worry about -she's really easy to get along with. You guys will be just fine!" To which I reply that I probably need to get a six-pack of liquid courage just in case. Off to the liquor store we go, because apparently it would be a good idea for me to have a bottle of tequila down the hatch.

Turning into the drive of said liquor store, it is pointed out to me that A is working, right at that moment, in the store adjacent. Hello, palm sweat.

What do I do? Text her, of course. I get a "Seriously?" from her to which I am tempted to tell her "No, just playing," but I am getting more and more ready to see who I've been talking to. So it's decided that the girls and I will browse for a bit and let her stew.

Purchases are made -no liquor for me, thanks, I'll stop and get some beer- and stashed in the car. We go out front and C points through the window-"That's her."

A smile decides to take residence on my face as I watch A deal with her customers. I like her slightly self-conscious way of movement, the way that she gestures when she's talking to the old man in line, the shrug that radiates from her entire body up, not just her shoulders. I like that she bobs her head ever so slightly when she laughs at something. I realize that the other girls are watching me watching her and redden slightly -I am feeling a bit like a dirty old man. "You did good, C," I say -and you know that my mind is elsewhere if I'm not grammatically correct.

A continues to do her thing while we try to get her attention through the window -no way in hell am I going in there when she's that busy, especially as our first introduction. After what seemed like an eternity, her eyes finally light upon the four dykes outside the window -whom everyone else seemed to notice but her. I like that too, that she isn't constantly scanning her surroundings. We wave and she freezes for a moment, and then ducks, but quickly tries to recover. Too late, lady! I saw that smile... While she has her back turned we quietly slip away, but I do sneak another peek and see that my smile is echoed on her sweet face. And I know that it's going to be a good weekend.

And it is.