Growth

My leaves are unfurling. Slowly they are stretching toward the sun with a convivial yawn, and things are starting to feel right.

Roots, while not yet sinking deep, are starting to explore their new territory with minimal hesitation and are finding it fertile and nourishing. My stem is sturdy.

I live in San Francisco.

Want me to back up a moment? The last y'all heard, I was anxious and restless, in a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere, in a job rut that left me drained and bored, and not at all satisfied with where my life was going. My, my how things can change.

The quick and dirty is that I got a job in SF, they paid for my relocation, I left my relationship, and took off with my dog on a four-day trek across the states. I was terrified. Sometimes I still am -it's hard being away from my familiar mountains, the green of the fields, the crunch of the fallen oak and maple leaves underfoot... from my family... from my friends. And as much as I hate to admit it, even from Brandy at times. But there are new realizations as I grow.

I now realize that it's not her that I miss, it's the closeness, the intimacy, the being part of a whole. That feeling is something that I learned to crave in my two years with her, since I rarely felt like I had it. And this, my unfurling leaves tell me, is not right. This is not how you feel when you are loved and love in return. Reciprocity is not just for backrubs and buying drinks, it is for moral support, making soup when sick, cheering up when down, loving when loved.

And I'll be damned if I'm ever going to feel like that in a relationship again.

Being slightly single (yeah, we'll talk about that a little later) has allowed me to focus on myself and holyeffingshit is that a nightmare. Well, in the beginning. Really scrutinizing yourself is rarely a good time, and it really isn't when you're drinking and whoring and floating and smoking and not giving a shit in general. It's hard to find yourself as valuable when you'd been basing your self-worth on the shaky judgments of someone who can't even assign any to herself... So it's been important for me to learn how to do things for me. To please me, and not necessarily anyone else.

There is a person who is the catalyst for all of this. She makes me want better things for myself, she makes me feel good, she supports me even when I do stupid shit, does not judge my present nor my past, and she is my best friend. She is the reason that I am "slightly single," meaning that we're not all going steady or wearing each other's pin or any of that, but she has my heart. Both of us have some things to sort out before we can take that step, and for once in my life I am secure in the knowledge that she will be there for me, and I for her, when we're ready.

Like I said, she's my best friend, and is the source of all of this photosynthesis.

Navigating

A compass rose: this is something that I am lacking internally. A bit of navigation is needed, I've been feeling like I'm repeating the last five years like some horrific Groundhog Day-ish montage.

Okay, well, it may not be that bad -it's not like I've got the note written and have been saving up my pills for weeks -not at all, and shame on you for even thinking about calling my psychiatrist! I am generally happy and healthy and out and about, but I just feel like things are, well, lacking.

I'm not even *content* anymore -restless, annoyed, bored, itching for an adventure? That's more like it. Not mopey and depressed as my initial paragraph may suggest. Going to the same job, even though I like it well enough, and doing the same things every weekend do not an adventure make. Same friends, same parties, same drive, same lame taupe and beige existance.

So now that you've heard my whine, wanna hear what I plan to do about it?

Well, Bran's been going crazy as well. She hasn't found a job but luckily has some money. I suggested that she go on a road trip -yes, this is what I would rather be doing. No, I cannot go, I have my big-girl job and can't get the time off. But when it comes down to it, her journey will make things better for us no matter what happens. With both of us feeling stuck, there's not been much growth in our relationship and frankly we're annoying each other. If she goes and has her adventure than I can focus on what it is that I need to do to make me happy instead of worrying about her.

And I've been putting in applications like crazy to VAs all over: Seattle, Portland, San Fran, Chicago, etc. Why not? I don't have much money to move with, but what the hell, I'll figure it out. As much as I love Vermont and New Hampshire, it is not loving me right now.

As long as I have my dog, my car, a job, and a place to live, I'm good.

And if Bran happens to fit into the picture, all the better. But it's time for us to figure out what we want -not from each other, but from ourselves.