What am I doing?

Wow, holy shit confused.

After spending the weekend with A, I was in a state of bliss. We were texting and talking and making plans to see each other the following Saturday -and I couldn't have been more stoked about it. I kept thinking about the way that I would catch her looking at me out of the corner of her eye, the blush that would creep from her neck to her cheeks, the giggle that would invariably result upon my discovery that I was being watched. I effing loved every minute of it.

I thought about how when we were in the grocery store picking up supplies she would saunter over to me and throw her arms around my neck and kiss me right there. Stopping at red lights. The toll booth guy who busted us with a gleeful, "And what are YOU two doing?" The honking and thumbs up from the car who passed us on the left. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

And it wasn't just the chemistry -I felt free around her. No pressure to act a certain way or to have to please anyone but myself; I could tell that she was pleased when I was. There was no awkward silences because there was nothing but feeling natural with her. The age thing that I was worried about (I'm seven years older) was never even a "thing." Being the "big kid" that C described me as, I basically felt on the same level -except for the whole she-can't-go-to-the-bar thing.

So why did I tell her on Friday that we couldn't do this anymore? That I still have feelings for B and have to explore them?

Because, as shitty as it is to end the romance with A, it's true. I am still in love with B, even the grouchy part of her, the no-PDA part, the drinks-far-too-much part... all of that is tied in with the fierce loyalty that she has for me, the incredible shock that I feel when she touches me, and with how her guard slips away when it is just the two of us and I am the only one who truly knows her.

B came over to my place unexpectedly on Thanksgiving night. We threw the usual generic jabs at each other, but for some reason it was different. Part of me just wanted her to leave -and she almost did -but the other part wanted her to never go. We talked about A. We talked about the girl that she had been seeing, and the one she almost brought home from the bar. We talked about making spectacles of ourselves in front of our friends. But then we talked about how it used to be, the happy days, the moments before all of the bullshit happened.

And I was overwhelmed all over again. She is the only person that I have ever loved, ever given my whole self to, who has ever had the ability to break my heart. That night I knew that I needed to try with her again, that there is still so much there that is good and so much that can be worked through.

But will I be able to work through the fact that I think about another woman all of the time?